My mom and me...she had all the Indian features...me, not so many. That Mother's Day, like so many before, she was surrounded by friends and family that loved her, including my two sons, but I was in LaGrande, Oregon… way in the mountains on business. Her first born, independent and far from home chasing a dream…but that’s how she wanted me…believing I could do anything I dreamed. When I left her that week in the hospital, I flew to Oregon believing she was going to surgery, would be fine and out of pain when I returned. But neither my beliefs, nor her talented surgeons, could fix her broken heart. It was Mom’s time to be with her Lord and Saviour. At her services 5 days later, I told all her friends and family what a "worry wart" she was. They chuckled because they knew. I told them she didn't think anybody would be there that day... and as I looked around at standing room only, with the room filled with beautiful flowers, I read this poem for her:
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I’ve found my place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
For I wish sunshine for your tomorrow.
My life's been full and blessed with much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.
Mom is probably still smiling knowing her family and friends “showed up” and I smile because she touched so many lives, mine included. For my sisters, my brother, me and our families, it was a life changing event. Our lives have never been the same and I’m a continuing work of change. Letting go has been one of my biggest challenges but I'm determined to get it right and live every day like those days when she was here helping to push me forward with words of encouragement and never missing a time to tell me that she loved me. My family is a big "I love you family." I never want to miss an opportunity to let those I love not hear those words...it was deeply planted in my heart by my family and in leading by example, I will not change that tradition of letting those I care about know that no matter what changes...the love endures. When I called to wish Janellie a happy day, we chatted about everything and said our "I love you's." Mom would be happy.
Maybe we are finally moving forward and making changes that needed to be made. We will never forget our Mom and all the memories, but God Bless her, if we don’t change and let go, how do we go forward with the new things that are right here in front of us? Janellie has a new grandson, Rex, a sweet fellow, Kevin, who makes her smile and laugh A LOT. I have two healthy, happy and successful sons...here's Sam and me
Steven...my oldest and about to be New Dad.
a beautiful daughter-in-awe, Lauren (on the right) here with her best friend Tyler, who just helped give her a beautiful baby shower for my grandson 
about to make his debut 7.4.09
gee, I hope he likes baseball….so many things to smile about there are too many to name. Perhaps Janellie and I have grown up, matured, and are beginning to let go and make room for these new chapters in our lives.
Changing and letting go has been a slow process and I have been known to be “in time out” from friends and family, but it’s because I don’t want to be held hostage by my past…clinging to it like a child behind his mother’s apron. When I go into “time out” it’s usually from a relationship that didn’t work out, or a disappointment I feel I’ve caused, but…I do this little chant to try to bring me back to the moment: It’s good to be merry and wise, It’s good to be honest and true, but it’s best to be off with the old, before you’re on with the new.
Just one of my little “isms” I live by. How can I go forward in life with all the good I know is in store, if I keep holding hands with stuff from my past? A business friend told me: “Mistakes are but a rung on the ladder in the education of experience.” Ken was a professional baseball player and it was one of his coaches that threw this at him like a 90+ mph pitch and while I had to think about it a bit, I “get it.” If I cling to my past mistakes, or just hold good thoughts clenched like they can never happen again, they will keep my mind cluttered…unable to let new thoughts and experience happen. No, I must be out with the old to let the new in. Yes, I am working on "Letting Go to Let Happen. It’s okay for me to hold on to my memories but I prefer to draw on them as a reserve to let newcomers peek into my heart and soul, see where I have been while I continue in forward motion … growing and changing.
I know I am a continuing work of “change” and want to continue to grow and change though most of my friends know I find the process difficult. But I will continue to work on my becoming more flexible so my mind and my heart is open for good times and good feelings. If I dwell on my mistakes and don’t open my heart for new experiences, love and kindness, as well as acknowledge that I’m going to make mistakes, I’m going to become “stuck.” Stuck in a world of just coasting along, going through life not feeling all there is to feel, or experiencing the joy that life has to offer. My son, Sam, gave me an award that hangs in my home. It’s an “I Love You Award to a Very Special Person that he wrote when he was 12 years old. While I enjoy my collection of Mediterranean prints by Howard Behrens, http://www.chooseart.net/howard_behrens.html Sam’s art and words of kindness help encourage me. I want to be the person my Mom, my family and friends have all helped me to be and that I know can be even better. I didn't arrive here alone...there was a lot of help along the way.
about to make his debut 7.4.09
gee, I hope he likes baseball….so many things to smile about there are too many to name. Perhaps Janellie and I have grown up, matured, and are beginning to let go and make room for these new chapters in our lives.
Changing and letting go has been a slow process and I have been known to be “in time out” from friends and family, but it’s because I don’t want to be held hostage by my past…clinging to it like a child behind his mother’s apron. When I go into “time out” it’s usually from a relationship that didn’t work out, or a disappointment I feel I’ve caused, but…I do this little chant to try to bring me back to the moment: It’s good to be merry and wise, It’s good to be honest and true, but it’s best to be off with the old, before you’re on with the new.
Just one of my little “isms” I live by. How can I go forward in life with all the good I know is in store, if I keep holding hands with stuff from my past? A business friend told me: “Mistakes are but a rung on the ladder in the education of experience.” Ken was a professional baseball player and it was one of his coaches that threw this at him like a 90+ mph pitch and while I had to think about it a bit, I “get it.” If I cling to my past mistakes, or just hold good thoughts clenched like they can never happen again, they will keep my mind cluttered…unable to let new thoughts and experience happen. No, I must be out with the old to let the new in. Yes, I am working on "Letting Go to Let Happen. It’s okay for me to hold on to my memories but I prefer to draw on them as a reserve to let newcomers peek into my heart and soul, see where I have been while I continue in forward motion … growing and changing.
I know I am a continuing work of “change” and want to continue to grow and change though most of my friends know I find the process difficult. But I will continue to work on my becoming more flexible so my mind and my heart is open for good times and good feelings. If I dwell on my mistakes and don’t open my heart for new experiences, love and kindness, as well as acknowledge that I’m going to make mistakes, I’m going to become “stuck.” Stuck in a world of just coasting along, going through life not feeling all there is to feel, or experiencing the joy that life has to offer. My son, Sam, gave me an award that hangs in my home. It’s an “I Love You Award to a Very Special Person that he wrote when he was 12 years old. While I enjoy my collection of Mediterranean prints by Howard Behrens, http://www.chooseart.net/howard_behrens.html Sam’s art and words of kindness help encourage me. I want to be the person my Mom, my family and friends have all helped me to be and that I know can be even better. I didn't arrive here alone...there was a lot of help along the way.
Perhaps it was His Plan to change our lives with the loss of Mom on Mother’s Day, 2004. It changed my life; it took me out of my comfort zone but it strengthened my character, as well as my faith. Losing Mom has changed me and it’s taught me valuable lessons about growing, about my journey and about new beginnings. My heart is open, I'm staying focused on the good in my life, and looking forward to the future.
God Bless you, Mom…Always Remembered.
